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Cake Doughnuts

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Posted by Shawn on March 25, 2006
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Take a look at the box below. Notice anything strange?

Mmmmm Mmmmm

Yeah, it's a variety pack of doughnuts. And you know what's left? The plain cake doughnuts. And you know why? Cake doughnuts suck. Barely even qualifying as a doughnut, cake doughnuts have forever plagued our doughnut variety packs. Almost everyone can admit to liking either white powdered doughnuts or cinnamon ones. But I've yet to be in a room where someone says "Man, a plain cake doughnut would sure hit the spot right now." Doughnut manufacturers could easily admit their mistake and stop producing them, but I think they have a little too much pride. It's estimated that thirty-seven tons of doughnut batter are wasted each year on plain cake doughnuts* which end up being thrown out or given to birds, who probably end up dying from the bad taste.

There is an easy solution to this, known to some as the 'glazed' doughnut. By simply covering the plain doughnut in a layer of sugar, we have a perfectly salvageable food item. Let's face it, a cake doughnut is just bread forced into a cylinder. They tried to hide this by calling it a 'cake' doughnut. But I see through their lies.

If I wanted cake I'd probably actually eat cake If I wanted cake I'd probably actually eat cake

Cake doughnuts are for the douche bags that think they're on a diet. If you're going to go as far to diet and eat doughnuts, you might as well put something good on them. AN OUNCE OF ICING WILL NOT KILL YOU, I PROMISE.

So until we do something about this, I don't think we'll ever rid ourselves of those dry and tasteless confections. Much like Lewis Black's commentary on candy corn, I believe there exists somewhere on this earth landfills full of cake doughnuts, that keep getting recycled and re-packaged into our lovely variety packs. Maybe they punish criminals by making them work in the cake doughnut factory. It's not like anyone is going to eat them, or steal and sell them.

Maybe someday I'll be able to enjoy powdered and cinnamon doughnuts together in the same box... without the constant shuddering that cake doughnuts bring about. Probably not though. Keep your fingers crossed.

* bullshit statistic

Posted to: Rants

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